Is your relationship going downhill? I’d bet if you sit back for a few minutes and think you might just remember constantly complaining about what your significant other is not, or does not do; or do anymore. Don’t worry. It happens to the best of us sooner or later. Once the honeymoon stage is over you start seeing your mate for what they really are. All the things you use to love about him or her become annoyances.
It is of my utmost opinion that women tend to fall into this trap a bit more than men. Why? Because as women we’ve been fed fantasies about what love and marriage should be or are suppose to be like from the time we are children. From our Parents, society, Priest and Pastors, siblings, friends and TV talk shows that get you thinking, you’re getting the short stick. Television Talk Shows and Magazines tend to target women because women are the biggest consumers and audience for there shows and stories. Our “should's” form our beliefs. Need I say, these beliefs are irrational.
Statistics have always shown that the ratio of men to women decreases as we age. Women outlive men and the rate in which people are openly choosing same sex lifestyles is changing the face of our nation and narrowing our choices. Many people today are lonely. It’s hard to imagine anyone being lonely in a world filled with so many people.
Learn to look at the good in your partner and life. I’m sure you can think of many couples that are worse off then you. And focus on what is your reality instead of what you wish was your reality.
Count your blessings; you’re never going to get all your needs met in one person. In fact, it’s not fair to expect one person to live up to all your expectations, wants and desires. That’s too much pressure to put on any relationship. In fact; if you learn to live by this principle “expect nothing from anyone, because nobody owes you a thing. Therefore anything anyone does for you is a gift” you will be much better off.
You certainly can try and be demanding with the gifts you receive as well but where is the love in that? The more pressure we apply to a person through nagging and complaining we disable them from fulfilling what we want because we are weakening them and draining the very strength they need to make us happy. Desire only what comes from a persons’ heart. In America we have so much and keep expecting more and more however and wherever it comes to us. But making someone else responsible for your happiness is always a disaster waiting to happen.
Solution: Model the behavior you want back.
Compliment and thank your partner whenever they do something that makes you happy. Start thanking them for small things like paying a bill or taking out the trash. Let them know how much they’re appreciated. Women tend to set the emotional tone for the relationship. So, start on a positive note and stay on it. Keep your negative thoughts to yourself. Mull over them and think of diplomatic ways to get your message across without complaining. Or just decide to let it go. I challenge you to go 2 days or even a week without complaining about anything your partner says or does and see what a difference it makes. I’m sure you’ll be amazed at the results.
Be grateful. After a couple of days you will become grateful for what you have. Many of my friends are single and lonely. And how I remember the times when I was. Once you’re over 30 it becomes more difficult to find a mate. There are plenty of single people out there, but they have all got scars and are afraid. Fear then is also a hidden factor that causes our complaining. We’re afraid someone’s cheating; lying; or hiding something from us. We become afraid we’re going to lose our lover and thus project that fear into the relationship by questioning; nagging and complaining. You begin to act and feel like a spy. Believe me, it’s a lot of work being this way and you risk getting the very results you fear.
10 Tips to a Happier You
1) Stop Complaining
2) Look At the Bright side
3) Model the behavior you want from your Partner
4) Say thank you and compliment your partner for the things they do
5) Examine your fears. Be sure you are always acting from love and not fear.
6) Give the benefit of the doubt.
7) Be realistic Stop allowing your mind to run into madness, fantasy and obsessive thinking.
8) Take control of your thoughts and your behavior will change.
9) Be Happy!
10) When you find yourself unhappy-STOP!-say to yourself; “I choose happiness in this moment.” Then, let go of the negative thought and replace it with a positive one. One that is true about your situation. And of course, read my book.
Vivian Gale, AS., BA., Counselor, Author of “Fart In The Wind” An Emotional and Spiritual Guide to Effective and Graceful Communication with Anybody. www.viviangale.com